Have you ever been knee-deep in a pint of ice cream, wondering, “Why am I doing this again?” Because, same. You might know me as someone who juggles podcasting, coaching, and an unwavering love for food. But here’s the truth: behind all those titles, there’s a reel of messy moments and hard-won breakthroughs that never make it onto Instagram. One recent realization hit me like a ton of bricks: my self-sabotage didn’t start in adulthood, and it certainly isn’t about laziness. It’s bigger, older, and a lot sneakier than I thought.
A Childhood Kitchen Table: Where It Really Began
When I first started to ask myself, “Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep self-sabotaging?” I never expected the answer would take me all the way back to my childhood. For years, I believed my struggles with food were about willpower. I thought if I just tried harder, I could break the cycle. But as I dug deeper—especially in my trauma recovery work—I realized the roots of self-sabotage run much deeper. They often begin in childhood, long before we have words for what’s happening to us.
My earliest memories of self-soothing are set in my mother’s kitchen. I was about six or seven years old when my stepfather started hurting me. At that age, I didn’t have the language to describe what was happening. I only knew it felt wrong and that I was scared. When I tried to tell my mother, she accused me of lying. Suddenly, I had no protection and nowhere to turn for comfort. That’s when I discovered sugar.
I can still see that kitchen—the wood table, the yellow walls, the sunlight that never seemed to reach me. I remember sitting there, trying to calm my fears with spoonfuls of sugar. It was the only thing I could control, the only thing that brought a brief sense of relief. Research shows that sugar can trigger a dopamine response in the brain, offering a fleeting comfort, especially for those with trauma histories. For me, food became a way to self-soothe, a survival habit that would follow me into adulthood.
Looking back, I realize now that these patterns weren’t about a lack of willpower. They were about survival. As Bessel van der Kolk writes in The Body Keeps the Score, our bodies and subconscious minds hold onto stories of past pain. The habits we form in response—like binge eating, isolation, or negative self-talk—are ways we try to manage overwhelming emotions. Trauma imprints these survival strategies deep within us, and they can persist for decades, often without us realizing their true origin.
Even as an adult, I found myself stuck in a loop. I would lose eight or nine pounds, then relapse into old patterns. Each time, I blamed myself for not having enough discipline. But the truth is, self-sabotage is often a symptom of wounds that haven’t healed. It’s not just a weight problem—it’s a warfare problem.
“My whole life, I thought I just had a weight problem… I have a warfare problem.”
Trauma recovery is deeply personal and rarely follows a straight path. There are setbacks, moments of clarity, and times when the pain feels fresh all over again. But understanding that my self-sabotage began at that childhood kitchen table helped me start the process of emotional healing. It allowed me to see my behaviors not as failures, but as survival tactics my younger self used to cope. And that realization, as research indicates, is the first step toward breaking the cycle and reclaiming my story.
The Invisible Battle: Shame, Survival, and Fake Progress
For a long time, I thought my struggle with self-sabotage was just a lack of willpower. I told myself I needed more grit, more tenacity. But the truth is, it was never just about weight or discipline. What I was really fighting was a kind of invisible warfare—one that started long before I ever set foot in a gym or counted a single calorie. This battle was rooted in trauma, shame, and old survival skills that kept looping in my life, no matter how much I wanted to move forward.
When someone hurts you deeply, especially in childhood, you learn to survive. Survival mode becomes your default, and it’s not something you’re taught to escape. Self-sabotage isn’t laziness. It’s not a sign that you’re broken or hopeless. It’s a pattern—one that repeats itself because it once kept you safe, even if now it’s holding you back. Research shows that negative self-talk and shame are huge obstacles in trauma recovery, often keeping people stuck in cycles of self-sabotage.
Looking back, I see how I performed healing instead of actually healing. I went to boot camps, posted gym selfies, and tracked every meal. Outwardly, it looked like I was making progress. But inside, I was still fighting the same old battles. I documented much of this in my Memoirs of a Fat Girl series, thinking that if I just did everything right, I’d finally feel worthy. But no matter how much weight I lost or how many compliments I got, I always found a way to undo my progress. I’d binge on sugar, skip workouts, or sabotage my finances. The cycle would start all over again.
It took me a long time to realize that these patterns were not about laziness or lack of discipline. They were about survival. Shame kept me performing, always striving for approval but never feeling good enough. As I once said,
“Shame will have you performing, right, even though you think you’re healing, but you’re living inside broken.”
That’s the trickiest part: shame convinces you that you’re making progress when you’re really just stuck in the same place. You can post all the gym selfies you want, but if you still hate your reflection, nothing has truly changed. Studies indicate that performative actions—like showing off your workouts or sticking to a diet—can’t heal the deep wounds left by trauma and shame.
Survival mode is powerful. It repeats what it knows, even if it’s hurting you. For me, self-sabotage became a way to cope with feelings of unworthiness. I wasn’t taught how to fight this battle, and I didn’t even realize I was in one. It’s not a weight problem; it’s a worth problem. And as I learned, your body keeps the secrets, replaying old wounds until you finally start to address them at their source.
From Survival Loop to Growth Mindset: Naming, Honoring, and Rewiring
Breaking the cycle of self-sabotage after trauma isn’t a quick fix. For me, it started with a hard look at where my patterns began. Research shows that self-sabotage often has deep roots in trauma, negative self-talk, and old coping strategies. The first step? Name the root. I had to ask myself—and honestly, ask God—what was happening in my life when these habits took hold. For me, it was turning to sweets and sugar whenever I felt unworthy or overwhelmed. It’s not easy to face these truths, but naming them is the beginning of healing.
I’ve learned to honor the version of myself that survived. That little girl who did whatever she could to get through tough times—she deserves compassion, not shame. But I’m not her anymore. I’m healing, and I don’t have to live in survival mode. This is where self compassion comes in. Studies indicate that self-compassion and mindfulness are key to interrupting self-sabotage and supporting personal growth. I remind myself: I did what I knew, and now I’m learning new ways.
To move from survival to a growth mindset, I started replacing old comfort zones with healthier anchors. Instead of running to food, I try to run to faith, movement, or connection. When I’m triggered, I ask: do I run to old habits, or do I choose something that heals? This is a daily decision. Sometimes it’s prayer, sometimes journaling, sometimes reaching out to a supportive community. These practical shifts are small but powerful. Research supports that strong support systems and therapeutic alliances are crucial for lasting change and trauma recovery.
Scripture-based affirmations have helped me reframe my self-worth. Romans 12:2 reminds me not to conform to old patterns, but to be transformed by renewing my mind. Isaiah 61:7 speaks of trading shame for a double portion of joy. Psalm 139:14 tells me I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” These truths help me replace the lies I’ve believed about myself. I started creating daily declarations, like:
“My body is no longer the battlefield… it is a temple of healing.”
Letting go of old comfort zones—whether it’s food, alcohol, or anything else—can feel scary. For years, I didn’t know who I’d be without those habits. But as I rewired my comfort zone, I found new ways to cope. Now, when I’m triggered, I try to pause and choose something different. Sometimes I still slip, but I keep practicing. I schedule my healing: daily journaling, prayer, and what I call “CEO meetings with God.”
Mindfulness helps me notice when I’m slipping into old patterns. Self-compassion lets me forgive myself and try again. And the therapeutic alliance I’ve built—with God, with myself, and with my support system—keeps me moving forward. This is what personal growth looks like for me: naming the root, honoring my survival, and choosing to rewire, one day at a time.
Wild Card: Breaking the Agreements—The Strange Power of Declarations
When I look back on my journey with self sabotage, there’s a moment that stands out—a turning point that didn’t look like a breakthrough at all. It was awkward, a little strange, and honestly, it felt silly at first. But it worked. I sat alone, and I said out loud, “I break every agreement that I’ve ever had with shame. I break that.” The words didn’t sound magical. There was no dramatic music. But something shifted. For the first time, I heard myself declare that my old story was done.
Research shows that declaring new truths out loud can reinforce personal growth and emotional healing. It’s not just about positive thinking or repeating affirmations; it’s about intentionally severing ties with the patterns that have kept us stuck. Self sabotage, especially after trauma, can feel like an endless loop. The same thoughts, the same behaviors, the same regrets. But when I gave myself permission to speak a new story, even if my voice shook, I started to believe it was possible.
Sometimes, the most powerful tool against self sabotage isn’t a complicated therapy technique or a perfectly worded journal entry. It’s the raw act of saying, “Enough.” I even tried writing a breakup letter to my shame. I made it melodramatic on purpose—pouring out all the things I was tired of carrying. “Dear Shame, we’re done. You’ve overstayed your welcome. I’m choosing healing now.” It felt strange, but it also felt freeing.
If my body could talk, I imagine it would have a lot to say about the years I spent carrying secrets and pain. It would probably tell me that healing isn’t about being tidy or perfect. It’s about letting go, even if it’s messy. Creative declarations—whether spoken, written, or even shouted into a pillow—helped me cement new narratives. They made room for imperfect, awkward action. And that’s what real emotional healing looks like.
Personal growth isn’t a straight line. There are days when I still hear the old voices, days when shame tries to creep back in. But now, I have a tool I can use anytime. I can declare, out loud, that I am choosing something different. I can remind myself that I am not bound by old agreements or patterns. I am allowed to grow, to heal, and to serve others from a place of wholeness.
“I break every agreement that I’ve ever had with shame. I break that.”
If you’re stuck in the cycle of self sabotage, try making a declaration of your own. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be yours. Let your voice carry your intention. Let it be a wild card in your healing journey. Because sometimes, the simple act of saying it out loud is the first step toward real, lasting change.
TL;DR: Self-sabotage doesn’t mean you’re broken—it’s an old survival mechanism that can be rewired. My story is proof that it’s possible to break the cycle with truth, compassion, and (sometimes awkward) persistence.